All I remember from our last 3 hours of love making is his eyes, wide open and demanding. His sharp voice calls me back into my body. All of a sudden I see his hand flying and it slaps my face – leaving an unfamiliar tingling on my skin. I am trying to breathe deeper, but the air escapes through the contractions of my body. For the first time in my life I feel completely out of control. I purge. I scream. I cry. Fragile beyond my wildest imagination. He holds me in his caring presence. After the storm has calmed, he says: “Now at least we can tell people that these three hour sessions aren’t always easy!” We both break into a childlike, tearful and utterly surrendered laugh!
Let’s talk about sex, shall we? Don’t we all want deeply ravishing, orgasmic experiences that plunge our hearts into the vast open sky? Don’t we all feel somewhere in the depth of our being that it is possible?
Most of us though, settle for second or third best or even more common: no good at all. Why? Sex is like a magnifying glass, enlarging childhood wounding and numbness to the extent, that what has the potential to be incredible, delicious and mind blowing, degrades to the fast, unsatisfying, mediocre or non-existent experiences of modern day sex. So what then is the secret? That, ladies and gentleman is the crux of the story and why Sex Magic will most probably disturb your neighbours. To start with: not because you’ll be moaning in pleasure, but because you’ll have to go through some emotional garbage together. A desensitised body cannot experience pleasure beyond its limits. That would be like asking an ice cube to feel warm. Unless we take ourselves out of the freezer, we won’t be able to melt. And we all have ice cubes inside, because we all had childhood. Our romantic partners take over the same area in our brain as our parents – can you see why we are helplessly programmed for the confusing, terrifying and utterly heart broken moments of life?
We cannot transcend what we cannot see. First we must put in the work to cut away what’s keeping us hostage in our frozen shells of old pain. Then we can realise that intimate relating is indeed one of the most beautiful, challenging and fruitful paths to self- discovery, awareness and magical bliss. Starting in the bedroom and from there spreading out to all areas of this magnificent life.
But how do we do this melting into love? How do we turn from ice into ocean, so that the waves of our pleasure can rise and rage inside, that we can move freely, wildly and full of ecstatic bliss?
We have to become transparent. And with trans-parent we mean moving beyond the blueprint of our parents and all that they and society have conditioned us to be. The fastest route (but by no means the most gentle) is through fully and deeply looking at sex and our relationship with it. Everything is stored in our genitals, the deepest shame and guilt, fears of abandonment and suffering- they all float around there like fish in the water. But again: in most people they are frozen, unable to move. And when something can’t move, pressure builds up and numbness follows.
Here are 3 ways to start melting those ice cubes and freeing up the energy needed to create deeply satisfying sexual experiences:
Just like our warm breath will heat up our hands in winter, so will deep breathing and movement start to melt our repressed energies. There are so many different practices, ranging from cathartic rebirthing experiences to simple daily breathing exercises that slowly but surely will open bodies and hearts to feel more again. From my experience I can say that once I started a very intense daily breath practice it has cleared the meridians in my body like no other. And isn’t this fantastic? We can just consciously breathe, we don’t need to go anywhere, it’s always right there with us.
We recommend you to start simply with an exercise that we call 9 breaths:
Take in 9 deep circular breaths without stopping in between inhale and exhale.
Breathe in deeply, exhale half way out. Imagine energy rising to your head (don’t worry if you can’t feel anything).
On the 9th breath squeeze your whole body and hold the breath on the inhale for as long as you can but minimum 15-20 seconds. Keep squeezing.
Once you feel the need for air inhale gentle and let the air fall into your lungs.
Keep your eyes closed and focus inwards. Repeat 2 more times.
2. Self Pleasure Practice
“You mean, masturbation?” Yes, this one is a biggy! Because loving self-touch has never been actively allowed or even promoted in most of us, we carry deep shame around touching ourselves. But how we practice is how we play. And if unconscious fast masturbation is our practice, how do you think we are going to play? I’ve began masturbating before the age of one and was fortunate enough to have parents who did not suppress and even encouraged my self-exploration. Yet still I felt the societal shame around it, soaked it up with all my being. I’ve got a lot of experience in the quick way to heaven (clitoral stimulation allows me to go from cold to boiling hot in a few seconds) but I never allowed myself to explore my body much more gently and with curiosity – it was more like a job to get done and over with. A daily Self-Pleasure Practice has completely shifted my connection to body, brought up a lot of deeply frozen ice cubes and continues to surprise me in wonderful ways. When I touch myself I realize that I matter, I learn what I like and what I don’t. I notice my patterns of distraction and where I’m numb to feeling. This is wonderful information to note and work with. It requires commitment and time, but with half an hour to start with in the morning or before going to bed it is something so wonderful that can’t even be fully described in words. You really just have to try it… We dare you!
What we don’t move, we lose. A stiff body acts like a freezer, keeping everything nice and frosted inside, so that it does not have to melt. When we start to dance and shimmy and shake, the little ice cubes inside will start moving with the heat you are generating. It’s quite obvious, since you are also going to breathe deeper and take more oxygen in. Everything renews through movement, that is no big new revelation. But to know and not yet to do, is not yet to know. So go and move your miraculous body in any way possible for you. Ecstatic dance sessions are pretty awesome for unlocking your deeper truths. Find a class near you and go through the initial resistance. You will probably need a couple of session, but before you know it you body is going to thank you with ample doses of bliss and peace!